Coming soon: When the AOC met Mr T (itchmarsh)

So the competition is over and the Allotment of Champions have won third place in the National Village Show's Heaviest Marrow competition - and rubbed shoulders with the likes of Alan Titchmarsh (pictured with me above).

I'll fill in more details later, including how Woody won first prize, beating a farmer into runner-up position and gave chase to Terry Nutkins in order to secure a snapshot of his otter-mauled hand.

Right - off to the pub to celebrate, while wearing my rosette of course!

Daily Niagra, works like Viagra

So, in the final moments leading up to VM-Day (Victory over Marrows), I'm applying an unhealthy amount of liquid to our boy. I've just returned from dousing it with half a barrel of our super-special water/rooster-pellet/horse-manure rocket-fuelled stench-juice. I must admit, I nearly passed out with the smell and dry-heaved more than once, but it'll be worth it if we can get a bit more poundage on the old fella before the final weigh in: 8.15am this coming Sunday.

'Special' Sauce - smells like Bigfoot's bum

Click picture to enlarge

Stormy news in stormy weather

With just over a week until the BBC competition in Derby, Woody's marrow measures a clear six inches longer than our champ. Luckily, the drought, which has hit us hard this summer, seems to have come to an end - constant downpours are now the order of the day. I'm not sure if this will be enough to swell our veg enough in time for the big event, but it can't be doing the spuds any harm.

Click photos to enlarge, or click here to see the full collection at flickr.com

Marrow meal

Get in! I've cooked my first meal using ingredients from the allotment: marrow, stuffed with minced beef, mushrooms and shallots, with potatoes, carrots and sugar snap peas. The marrow was the one on the right in the 'Harvesting the runts' post below, the shallots were picked yesterday, and the spuds came direct from the ground to the pot. And a fine time was had by all. I hope no-one gets ill or anything.

More photos here or by clicking on the fancy looking picture thing in the Links bar to the right >>>.

Leaves of green...

Nice, fat, lush leaves. No wonder I've got the best marrows in town.

(Yeah, click to enlarge)

Same with this one. I'm just watching the marrows grow at the moment, not really doing much else except watering (and feeding) the buggers. The need a good weeding though. Jesus, those weeds. My face says it all I'm afraid.

Harvesting the runts

The last week or so has seen an unprecedented explosion in marrow size and number. Because of this, several have been culled to conserve growing energy for the main-vine beasts.

Here is a selection of the fallen few - which are by no means the largest on the plot. Many thanks to the 'Sarehole Squashmaster' (Woodward's new moniker) for his assistance in the culling process: he held them still as I cut their throats and tore them from their shrieking mothers.

(Click picture to enlarge)

Marrows galore

Aunties Bloomers (groan)

At last, the BBC and 12 Yard productions have let us know that we at PAMELA will be put forward for their programme, 'The National Village Show', which airs next year.

I recieved this letter this morning (click to enlarge):

Despite all recent setbacks (yes, Hawkes and Woodward, that means you), the Allotment of Champions is committed to this competition.
It's a good thing that we're entered for the 'Heaviest Marrow' class, as we seem to be a bit thin on the ground in terms of pumpkins. The programme is hosted by none other than Alan Titchmarsh MBE (I'll slap him on the arse, live on TV, for £100) and promises to be a great event.

"Is that a marrow in your pocket...?"

So...

A routine trip to the allotment, accompanied by Woody, has shaken the very foundations of the AOC. It transpires that, in his wisdom, Woody distributed marrow plants only, and no pumpkins - a fact not known until the emergance of long, fat, dark green things on the vine. Whether this was merely an oversight or a plot to undermine us remains to be seen. Clearly, either Woodward or, more likely, Hawkes has (unwittingly?) sabotaged this year's crop. Vengeance will be swift.

Woody "discovering" his "mistake"

Despite this setback, we plan to press on with the competition. This year's PAMELA competition is for the largest marrow, so we plan to redeem ourselves by trouncing the opposition here. The plants have now grown too mighty to be contained by the greenhouse-tent, so I've taken it down before they simply devour it. They've also started flowering, hinting at a level of fertility so potent I'm a little scared of getting close for fear of impregnation. Or devouring. So it could soon be time for pollenation, and with it the promise of the most giant marrows ever to be bred in captivity (Pff, captivity - these things are as wild as bison!)

(Click photos to enlarge)

Two enormous marrow plants

A flower ready to be pollenated - note the un-pumpkinlike bit

So don't lose heart, fellow PAMELA members. Keep speculating, impotently, as to who's going to have the fattest marrow this year - we don't want to rob you of your dreams (it's just that we'll be living them, not you).

Tidbury's turnips

Sizing up the competition in Tidbury Green this evening was a sobering experience. By the looks of things we need some Rooster pellets for added girth. Click the pictures to see Rob's full size specimens.

=======UPDATE=======

10.52pm: Just received this picture from Jim Hyde, along with the message "Be afraid. Be very afraid."

Game on!

Growth-a-rama

Things seem to be srpouting up from everywhere now - including weeds, unfortunetely, but we're keeping on top of them.

See below for updated pics (click to enlarge).

Pumpkin plants: spreading further by the day

Potatoes: wonky - but mounding up well

Pumpkins are go!

At last the pumpkins are in the ground! After weeks of sweating in the greenhouse of the Tidbury Turnip, and a few more in my garden, the big boys have their feet in the mud. We built a mound comprised of soil and manure (gold, pure gold!) and sank the plants into its rank belly.

To protect the fragile leaves from the elements (and so they can get a sweat on), we then encased them in a netted tunnel of green and then esconced that within a tent of clear plastic: a mystery wrapped in an enigma. Ace.

The number one enemy of the Allotment of Champions (slugs) seemed to sense that fresh meat had been dropped into the virgin soil, and immediately began an attack. I speared a couple with a fork in front of the others, as a warning, but still they came, wave upon wave.

Luckily, Gavin had bought some slug pellets from Waitrose, so if any of the little bastards try anything now they're in for a whole world of hurt. Word is bond.

(Artist's impression of harvest-time at the AOC)

P.A.M.E.L.A. at the BBC

Erstwhile giant pumpkin growing champion, and guru of all things bulbous, Andrew Woodward (pictured - click to enlarge) has been approached by the BBC and asked to appear, along with some of his gardening colleagues, on a television programme later this year. Naturally, he accepted this kind offer and immediately suggested that myself and Gav of the Allotment of Champions join him on this epic quest.

This mighty conglomerate also includes Craig "Organic Craggle" McCauley, Firemen Robert "The Tidbury Turnip" Hawkes and Jim Hyde, and of course Woody himself. If all goes according to plan, this group, collectively known as P.A.M.E.L.A. (Pumpkins And Marrows Extra Large Association), will be visited at monthly intervals by a small BBC contingent for updates. The procedings will culminate later this year with some manner of competition.

We were visited this week by a pair of media-savvy types from 12 yard productions (pictured below), who interviewed us all to see if we're suitable for the Titchmarsh-drenched world of TV gardening. I think we came across very well. That is, those of us who didn't get tongue tied and pronounce 'pumpkins' as 'crumpkins'.

Not sure what programme this is all to be featured on just yet, but watch this space.

Right. I think I better go and plant something.

A mountain of gold - pure gold!

Woody's Dad works at a local stable, mucking out, feeding horses and so on, which gave the Allotment of Champions access to a hill of excellent excrement. With a little effort, we managed to shift several bins of the stuff over to the allotment, where it sits, steaming and ready to be spread.
Round two will commence in a couple of weeks, when we can get access to this filthy pile of goodness once again.

The horses were nice too. I was a bit wary of being kicked in the face though, so I didn't venture around the arse end.

(Click photos to enlarge)

The Constant Gardeners

The application of mulch was observed by Prof. James Wagstaff (pictured here on the right, with the scrunched-up face) of the Royal Horticultural Society (click pictures to enlarge).

Real Estate

The greenhouse-tent has arrived and has been erected on the newly cleared land at the end of the plot. Ch-ch-ch-ch-check it out!

(Click photos to enlarge)

A day in pictures

(Click photo to enlarge)

1. The funeral pyre for the bushes.
2. Me, digging like a Roman slave.
3. A friendly robin, whom I believe we've now made homeless.
4. Gav enjoying his tea.

Shrubbery holocaust

(Click photo to enlarge)

A good day's work down at the AOC (Allotment of Champions). We cleared a load of bushes and all sorts of crap from the fenced off space at the end, ready to erect our shed and greenhouse, which should both be arriving shortly. After defeating the bushes, we sentenced them to death by burning. Just as sentence was carried out, however, several old men turned up to tend their patches and received a face full of pyre-smog for their trouble. Let this serve as a warning to them.

La Serre Chaude

Well done Gavvo - that's one magnificent Large Half Transparent Full Closed Portable House Style Walk-in Greenhouse you've purchased for the allotment of champions. Whoo - yeah! Now to smite my enemies, potato-stylee! Yes, that means you Craig ('...the brave...', '...the great...' - W.T.F?!)

Griffin's greenclaws

There's been a lot of talk about allotments recently, not only at http://www.organiccraggle.blogspot.com/, but in the Bull's Head pub and as far afield as the Robin Hood. Organic Craggle has thrown down the gauntlet, and a challenge to find the area's largest pumpkin has been set. We have responded, and responded with vigour.

In the attached piture, you will see my comrade Gavin - a veritable gardening machine - contemplating a morass of weeds. In a matter of weeks, this area will be devoid of vegetation and will sport a brand new shed - the very nexus of the Allotment of Champions. Within months, the surrounding land will sprout forth fat orange fruit as far as the eye can see, and the day will be won.

Self-indulgent pictures here... me, me, me...

I've got some photos at Flickr - http://www.flickr.com/photos/kraken147/. Please take the time to have a look, as I crave attention and, even though the subject matter won't be of any interest to you in the slightest, my ego needs stroking. Jesus, how sad.

Post the first...

I'm going to attempt this, but can't promise to write here with a great deal of regularity. I may surprise myself, but I doubt it. Back soon.